Episode 2: Lee Woodruff
“No one's got a necklace that says Caregiver on it, because it's definitely not as cool as being an Aquarius, or a Taurus, or Love. It’s not a title that you think applies to you. And yet it did…There are millions of [caregivers] across this country. And we need to give them their due.”
Lee Woodruff
A Call to Care
How do relationships evolve and strengthen after one partner undergoes a significant change? And what does it tell us about the nature of love and resilience?
These profound questions have shaped the life of Lee Woodruff, an accomplished author and co-founder of the Bob Woodruff Foundation for Veterans and Military Families.
Lee and her husband, TV journalist Bob Woodruff, were balancing careers and raising their four children when Bob suffered a severe brain injury from a roadside bomb while on assignment covering the war in Iraq. Lee's experience and reflections are poignantly captured in her book, In an instant. She's also become vocal about the crucial role of caregivers.
Bob made a remarkable recovery, but could not return to frontline reporting, marking a new chapter in their family's life. In his ABC documentary After the Blast, Bob bravely returns to Iraq 17 years later to seek closure, a symbolic trip that also makes us reflect on Lee's journey and the road they have traveled together.
Listen Now
Transcript
(Edited slightly for clarity).
Melissa Ceria: Lee Woodruff, welcome.
Lee Woodruff: Thank you. Happy to be here.
Melissa Ceria: I just finished watching After the Blast. And gosh, it's very moving to see Bob and your son Mack, who is now a cameraman, drive to the site of the bomb explosion. What was it like for you to watch that footage?
Lee Woodruff: It's interesting, I, Bob had been working on this documentary for, you know, a number of months, and I purposely did not want to see it until it was pretty final, because I didn't think I could watch it again and again. I had my one time viewing. I steeled myself, and I think I cried along with the rest of America who watched it because it was, it's poignant. It's hard not to insert any family story that has gone through some kind of journey, whether illness or injury or something. It's kind of everyone's story. It's certainly the story of our injured vets.
-
Melissa Ceria [00:01:53] I expected to see some trace of the bomb, but the dirt road where it happened is now this busy highway. Does it feel strange to you that there's no physical imprint of that critical moment that's shaped your life?
Lee Woodruff [00:02:07] I never thought about that. I guess I don't want this spot to define us in some ways. And it's interesting. You're making me think about what are the different ways people process trauma. So for Bob, going back to that spot was so important to see the spot where his life changed. But for me it really wasn't about the spot. So we've had a different way of processing things, I'm sure as couples do, and as different people do. But the spot didn't matter to me, interestingly enough.
Melissa Ceria [00:02:38] Do you think that it provided you and your children with some closure?
Lee Woodruff [00:02:42] It provided me with closure because it provided Bob with closure. And I do think the process of doing the documentary, of having people ask them questions that weren't their parents, for example, but in in a very sort of objective way, I think there was a healing that happened. And that's the power of storytelling, isn't it? You can share it, you can use it to help somebody else. I think in some way, although I'm just coming to that now with your really insightful question, in some way I think the making of that documentary, which I thought was going to be disruptive and rip some things open that were finally laying down well, I think actually did more to heal.
Melissa Ceria [00:03:19] That's beautiful. There's this very powerful moment Lee in the film when Bob reflects on his recovery and he says, and I quote him, "It took me a long time to realize that I'm going to be a different human." I was so touched by that. That must have been very hard for him to grapple with.
Lee Woodruff [00:03:35] I think it has been, and I think I allude to that in a line in the documentary where I talk about Bob needing to accept himself. Anybody who's gone through something is going to be a new person. And in the early days of his injury, I love the way Bob framed it because he would say, I remember asking him, "Are you feeling ripped off, you know that you got this anchor chair, you got this big job, and then it was gone, you know, two months later." And his answer was, "Well, who's to say that I would have succeeded?" Which is a great way to look at it, right? Like, maybe it would have been a huge failure. And then the other thing that I thought was so great was, you know, we're always on a continuum of changing, and so while this is an abrupt before and after, you know, in his mind, we're all moving along. We're never going to be the people we were ten years ago. And I've always thought that was a super healthy way to look at it. There's great line that somebody told me once that I've used and passed on to so many people, "You really have two choices when the bad thing happens: You can get bitter or you can get better." And nobody wants to be a bitter old lady. And so you do choose, to an extent, to be happy. You choose to reach for that every day. And it was, I wasn't surprised because that's the person I married. But it was so wonderful that that was how he showed up after this. Doesn't mean that there weren't dark moments. Don't don't mistake that. Yeah.
Melissa Ceria [00:04:54] Do you think you realized that that change was happening before he even did?
Lee Woodruff [00:04:58] There was so much of a sense of loss initially. I'm not sure I did. I think, as with so many things, it's so much clearer in hindsight when you put it all together, the two steps forward and the one step back. I knew that's what he had to do, and that's what we both had to do to survive as a couple. Many marriages do not survive a traumatic brain injury because oftentimes the personality changes that happen are so vast. And for so many of the wives in the military and many civilian couples that I've met, the difference in that personality, the person who they married abruptly becoming somebody else often is really hard to survive.
Melissa Ceria [00:05:39] It is considered an ambiguous loss in the sense that your loved one is alive, but they've undergone significant changes. How did you grapple with that?
Lee Woodruff [00:05:50] I tried to focus on the positives and what was still there and what was intact, and there was so much intact. You sometimes use a measuring stick, don't you, when you need to sort of feel good about where you are. And all I would do would be the need to go into a rehab hospital, which I visit the brain injury ward from time to time, and see how lucky we were. No explanation for that given the extent of his physical injuries to his head, no explanation for how he had recovered so well, how he had retained so much of who he was, the essence of who he was. And as he struggled for words initially with his aphasia because his injury was in his speech and language part of his brain, which is not so good if you're the anchor of World News Tonight. But as he struggled to put that part back together, the essence of who he was, his sweetness, his love for his family, his curiosity, his brilliance, that was all still there.
Melissa Ceria [00:06:41] There is a strong likelihood that people who are in long term relationships and marriages will witness deep changes in their loved ones over the course of their lifetime, not necessarily because of an accident, but as the result of choices or inner shifts, unexpected circumstances. Do you think that we should go into relationships being more open to that?
Lee Woodruff [00:07:03] If someone had said on the day that you stood at the altar, "Wah, wah Melissa just want to tell you, like, this is all great, your husband's wonderful and I know you love him, but some bad stuff could happen. Like, I wish that we wanted to hear that stuff, but would we have been open to that back then? When you tell a young bride, it's almost like telling your kids, don't be out in the sun, you're going to get skin cancer. And they're like, yeah, mom. You know, I don't know, I would love to ask you that question.
Melissa Ceria [00:07:32] Well, I think that we expect that the person that we build our life with will remain the same, just like we think we may not change as much as we will do. And, you know, as I look at our children, I think to myself, well, you may build your life with somebody who will, in most likelihood not quite be the same 20, 30 years down the road. Should we make space for people to be different?
Lee Woodruff [00:07:53] We should. And you're asking an interesting question in a conversation that I just had with somebody who whose marriage did blow apart, they were both able bodied and healthy, had nothing to do with that. And I was talking to the husband, who's our friend, and he was just saying we started leading two completely different lives. And I said to him, well, I'd like to think of it as it wasn't that you grew apart, although I'm sure that's part of it. It was that you didn't grow together. I loved this book by David Brooks called The Social Animal, and he does a psychological, every psychological study of our back brain. How do you choose the person you love? You walk in a bar and there's the guy you're going to marry. But why that guy and not the three other people around him? So there are all these subconscious things, choices that we make. But the premise at the end of the book is we can teach our children how to get ready for the SATs, how to achieve here and do this and that. The one thing a human being cannot teach a child or anybody is who you pick in terms of who to love and who to befriend, and who will go the distance with you for life. What is the formula for that? Some of us, I guess, just get lucky or we pick well. I don't know. I know that I did, despite everything. Yeah.
Melissa Ceria [00:09:09] Yeah. And because, you know, we live longer, we share longer journeys with those that we build our lives with. It used to be maybe 20 years, but now we could be looking at 50 or 60 years if we're lucky. That's a long time during which a lot can happen and we can evolve as individuals and as couples. I think it's beautiful to watch your story evolve and how you have both adapted to different situations within that context.
Lee Woodruff [00:09:35] It's interesting that word adaption, because we're kind of built to do that over time. It's good and not good. Are we numb to war right now? Do we see one more news story of some horrible thing happening in the Middle East and we just sort of kind of go, Wow, seen that now for 60 years of my life and I'm, I'm becoming callous. And there is an adaption that's good, which is just dealing with what you've been handed, and I don't know where the line is a little bit on that, but we are adaptive. That's how I guess we became the superior species, for better or worse, on this planet.
Melissa Ceria [00:10:11] Would you say that you're a highly adaptable person?
Lee Woodruff [00:10:14] I think I found out that I am, and maybe even more so than that, better word might be resilient, which is really hard wired into most of us, way more than we realize.
Melissa Ceria [00:10:24] Do you think so? I mean, do you think that we have deeper resources than we even imagine?
Lee Woodruff [00:10:29] I do, and I think in theory, you would imagine that you would curl up in a ball when something bad happens. And I'm sure some people do, and then that's okay. There's no right way to respond immediately. But I think the human will to survive and what the mind can do over the body is also a very powerful thing that we aren't as aware of until we've been tested.
Melissa Ceria [00:10:48] Lee, you've written and spoken a lot about caregiving. There are a number of iconic women who have shaped the caregiving community. Today, I'm thinking about the late former First Lady Rosalynn Carter. She was just 12 when she took care of her sick father, and she later went on to create an institute for caregivers. You met her. What was she like?
Lee Woodruff [00:11:08] Oh, I met both of them. They were like the normalist people-- is that English? Um, lovely, warm, humble. I was so impressed with both of them. And, of course, he was president in my sort of formative, youthful years. Very classy people who put the mission first. And she really is the first person to have put caregiving on the map. Elizabeth Dole has gone on to do things for military caregivers and so forth. But Rosalynn Carter is the grandmother of saying these people are working in the dark behind the scenes. They're unpaid, they're mostly women, and there are millions of them, legion across this country. We need to give them their due.
Melissa Ceria [00:11:45] How did her work influence you?
Lee Woodruff [00:11:47] She had this wonderful phrase, and I'm going to get it wrong about how we are all at some point going to touch caregiving, whether we need it or doing it, are going to need it or have needed it. And having in various ways helped two aging parents to a good death, as I call it. And then certainly working with Bob in his recovery at the same time that I had young children. You know, no one's got a necklace that says Caregiver on it, because it's definitely not as cool as being an Aquarius or a Taurus or whatever, or Love. But it's not a title that you think applies to you. And yet it did. And she was able to really talk about it in human terms. And so she really did help me. When we started the Bob Woodruff Foundation, she helped me to include that aspect of it in the work that we fund.
Melissa Ceria [00:12:37] How fortunate to have had her wisdom contribute to everything that you've built.
Lee Woodruff [00:12:41] Absolutely, yeah.
Melissa Ceria [00:12:43] You and Bob have become strong advocates for caregivers and veterans. Can you tell us more about your advocacy work and what you hope to achieve through it?
Lee Woodruff [00:12:53] We were in the hospital and Bob was still very much recovering. He had woken up, but he was well, you can see the video for the first time in the documentary. We hadn't really shared this, we were all just family. Thank goodness for Bob's brother, who was surreptitiously taking video because I had not wanted any pictures out there. There were people paying money for the photo of Bob with half his head, as we called it. And so, but I looked at Bob's older brother David and said, If he comes out of this, well, we need to do something with this story because it's gotten so much stupid attention. And this was 17 years ago on television, so probably not a lot of people remember it, but it was a big news story. And here was the person who was supposed to be reporting the news now was the subject of the news. So it was really awkward for us. And I know it sounds disingenuous to be like, Oh, really? All these people knew him? But we didn't look at Bob that way. He was my husband. He was a lawyer who I'd married. Yeah, he was on TV, but that was sort of his job, and it was a little overwhelming and humbling to see the letters, the things that were sent to understand that people felt like they knew him because he was in their living room. And we felt like we needed to do something with that, because there were all these young, mostly men, boys coming into Bethesda Naval at the time with the same injury, and America wasn't really clueing in in 2006, yet, to the fact that the traumatic brain injury was the signature wound of this war, and we were going to need to address it because veterans that had these injuries in Vietnam and certainly Korea and World War two didn't live in large numbers. The medical ability to save a life was not as sophisticated. So now what were we going to do about it?
Melissa Ceria [00:14:28] What do you seeing in people who are coming home and transitioning back into life? What are their challenges?
Lee Woodruff [00:14:34] It's really hard. And it's war, and the wounds of war, are not things that our fathers were socialized to talk about. You know, the term was shellshock, for PTSD for many, but it's so much more beyond that. It's about losing your body in bleeding out in your arms next to you, or having him shot through the head next to you in the fox hole. Or the moral injury of war, which is another thing that we are just starting to talk about. What does it mean to have killed a child? Your religion teaches you Thou shalt not kill. Or the asynchronicity of knowing you've got a little brother at home who's the same age as this young Iraqi boy who your commander is telling you has a bomb strapped on his body, so you need to shoot him before he takes out the whole platoon. And you go home with some of those deeds ringing in your head that you've done, you know, as you've been commanded to do. This was your job. But it doesn't mean that we have been able to help you process this. And so there's a lot to unpack. And luckily, we live in a time in an age where therapy, psychology, psychiatry, other modalities, reiki, meditation. We can help people try to transition back to find themselves again.
Melissa Ceria [00:15:51] And I think it's a more open world for talking about this. Right?
Lee Woodruff [00:15:55] Absolutely. Which doesn't always work in the military culture. But part of that, the dialog there, the narrative there, people are actively working to change that. It's okay to ask for help. You're not weak, you know, come talk to us. Let us help. And that may take a little while, just completely seep in. But it's a big first step.
Melissa Ceria [00:16:14] Caregiving is a journey that's filled with complex emotions and responsibilities. How do you navigate these challenges while also maintaining your own well-being and that of your family?
Lee Woodruff [00:16:26] Honestly, Melissa, I look back sometimes I think, how did I do all of that? Now, I was younger, I don't think I had a choice, meaning I wanted my kids to come out of this so completely healthy. I wanted them to see the world not as a bad place, but as a place where bad things could happen and you have a choice in how you respond. So I think all of that just kept my adrenaline going for so long, and then, I know that one of my own coping strategies is just to stay busy. You know, when you're busy, you can't just sit and think about it. And so I move around a lot like a little bit of a ADHD person, which I'm sure I have. But that was a coping strategy that worked. There was always something to do. A load of laundry, uh, something due for a client. It was really busy for a while, but I also think that helped me just sit with it and begin to respond, you know, to how it was going to be.
Melissa Ceria [00:17:21] It's interesting what you're saying. So to move your body was literally to move through all of that emotion. And you don't have to run a marathon to do that. I mean, the idea is to just go about your daily activities, keep moving, keep doing so that you can process and get through this.
Lee Woodruff [00:17:39] And grieve, probably. I mean, I remember just breaking down at the oddest times, and it was usually when I was alone in nature, sometimes when I was in the car alone. But it was the release that I needed, and it happened when I was still. So maybe that was, it was like squeezing a sponge maybe. It was all full, full, full with moving around and doing stuff. And then there would this be this moment that would come, and I was still, and then I would let myself feel it.
Melissa Ceria [00:18:06] I find you to be a very strong person, but were there moments where you felt isolated or lonely in that process?
Lee Woodruff [00:18:12] Absolutely. It especially felt odd to be living in a suburb outside of New York, have a husband who was injured in a war and really not know anyone else other than military families who in many ways at the time looked up to us. And I don't say that like we were anything special, but we were sort of this face of the injury for a while, and that felt like a mantle I needed to wear. So I couldn't let down, I couldn't get real, and it took me a little while to find my tribe of people who I could surround myself with, who just who understood, you know, what about that felt like.
Melissa Ceria [00:18:44] And presumably over the long term, right. Because people think, oh, Bob's better now. So Lee's doing great.
Lee Woodruff [00:18:51] Well, that's when you can fail right. When the lifeguard gets the person to safely to shore, that's probably when the lifeguard needs somebody to give them a little mouth to mouth. And everyone that's gone through something needs to be ready for what I call the Tail the dragon, to come back around and smack you.
Melissa Ceria [00:19:05] You know, veterans often experience PTSD, but caregivers too. And this is important because you've written about this: the difficulties that people face when they have to revisit certain situations. Again, those really stir up a lot of emotions.
Lee Woodruff [00:19:19] They do. And I yeah, I wanted to write about this because I wanted to give other people permission to know that this was okay. And Bob was having another surgery for a knee injury, and I realized that I just didn't want to be sitting in the waiting room. I couldn't. I pictured the doctor coming out and saying Something has gone wrong. And I finally turned to him and said, I can't do this and I think the kids are old enough now and they're going to do it. And one of the wonderful things was to see the way my kids stepped up. They were ennobled to be able to do this for their dad. So it had a lot more benefits. But I just simply ran into my own caregiving, PTSD, which is another thing we don't talk enough.
Melissa Ceria [00:19:59] And so what did you do instead to help you get through that?
Lee Woodruff [00:20:02] I fled and came up here north to this little cabin and said, Someone call me when it's over and tell me how... I really did. I'm not ashamed to admit that. As Bob would say, You've paid your dues. It's okay.
Melissa Ceria [00:20:15] One of the veterans in After the Blast says this line that really struck me. I'm quoting him: "Because I didn't finish what I set out to do, I felt inadequate for years." Can we help others find closure?
Lee Woodruff [00:20:29] I do. I bet that looks different for different people, doesn't it? And maybe more than anything else, I know I do this, I should just speak for myself, that I rush to make people feel better. "Oh, no, but you served your country. Of course." I think we just need to say. "Yeah, it must feel like that. Tell me more about that." "Tell me more" is such a powerful phrase. It's even more important sometimes than "I love you."
Melissa Ceria [00:20:56] Sometimes finding closure involves reframing the interruption as an opportunity to pursue new paths. Do you think that creating a new narrative can help people move forward with a sense of purpose?
Lee Woodruff [00:21:07] I love that. I haven't really thought about it in that way, but isn't that a clever way to do it? What is the narrative you want it to be? And how can we help you reframe that? It's actually a beautiful way to think about it.
Melissa Ceria [00:21:18] Do you think it could be effective?
Lee Woodruff [00:21:20] I do. I'm just thinking about Bob's narrative and what that would look like to reframe it. And it might be something like, "It wasn't a place where you made a wrong decision. It was a place where something happened." And he does look at it this way. Who's to say that he wouldn't step off a curb on Madison Avenue and get hit by a bicycle riding by too fast, and end up with the same kind of injury? So the randomness. People are always quick to say, Things happen for a reason, or it's God's plan. And while I respect everybody's right to have their faith, that is not a comforting thing to hear when you're on the other side of a bad thing. And so for the faith aspect of this, I rather choose to believe that no one's down here moving chess pieces around on who gets hit by a drunk driver, who gets cancer, but that life is random and things happen to all of us, and there isn't a why. There's just a how do you move forward after that? What are the choices that you're going to make.
Melissa Ceria [00:22:18] Reflecting on your own experiences, what are some of the insights that you've gained during these periods of great change?
Lee Woodruff [00:22:25] Two that immediately leap to mind are, if you're just having a bad day, go to bed. Sleep is everything on a journey, right? Everything is about sleep. And then the other thing and gosh, I use it often. If I'm just having negative feelings or thoughts, or feeling sorry for myself, I will either change the aperture by going for a walk, call a friend, or just sit there and run through the litany, I guess that's what everyone's talking about today when they talk about gratitude exercises, but run through the things that I like about me or that I enjoy doing. I just remind myself that you're an okay person and you can stand on your own two feet. I can't remember what the movie was, but I just remember there was this character who'd be like "You is strong, you is beautiful, you is loved." So, I kind of do that to myself. Yeah.
Melissa Ceria [00:23:15] Looking back, Lee, how has Bob's experience shaped your relationship together?
Lee Woodruff [00:23:20] I think in some ways it's brought us so much closer. In some ways, it's made us annoyances to one another because the phone rings after 9:00 o'clock and I'm on the ceiling like one of those cats in the cartoon with the claws out. Or over mothering and overprotective, probably for very good reasons, which he understands, but doesn't make it any less annoying: "No, I think I can, I can get to the train station on my own." I'm being facetious. It's not quite like that. But I mean, I think a good marriage is like a seesaw. You know, the other person's up and the person that's down, you can just, it's everybody has the ballast and you find that balance at times. I think sometimes the balance is more off than it might have been, but who's to say what it might have been? So I try not to dwell in that, but I know that I'm more nervous about certain things and more, you know, Are you drinking enough water today? Do you know, Have you done all this stuff?
Melissa Ceria [00:24:11] You're more vigilant, more aware?
Lee Woodruff [00:24:13] Yes. Vigilance is a great word. It's a kind word to me.
Melissa Ceria [00:24:17] Hope and optimism are central themes in your story. What have you learned about the power of those qualities?
Lee Woodruff [00:24:24] Boy, hope is. They're both equally powerful, aren't they? Although it's impossible to live in those worlds at all times. It would be like having a sunny day without a cloud every single day, so it would maybe dilute it. And sometimes the beauty and the power of those two words, hope and optimism, are to have had a day that doesn't quite feel as bright or hopeful, so that you really do, when you feel those things, or you try to make your mind feel those things, is impactful.
Melissa Ceria [00:24:49] And do you think we can cultivate them?
Lee Woodruff [00:24:51] I do. I think it's like a muscle. I don't know how to tell someone to do that, but I'm sure there are people who help us, you know the power of positive thinking stuff, and just being intentional is half of things, isn't it? I find talking to myself really helpful at times, literally like: Come on, you can do this, or you're going to have a good day, or you're being too much of a nag, or you know.
Melissa Ceria [00:25:13] You've written about key themes that have touched you and Bob's life. My closing question to you is, What more would you like to write about as it pertains to this? What is important for you to still share?
Lee Woodruff [00:25:25] I think America is probably done with the Woodruffs. I know I am a little bit. Um, it was hard to see us on the screen, and I don't sound like I'm being disingenuous. But not only do I need a new bathrobe, which was very evident in the the Ralph Lauren weathered plaid thing that I had on when I kissed them goodbye. But I think the point here is for us to be a conduit for other people's stories. There are so many people who ended our story with the documentary Bob did 17 years ago about the injury, which stopped very much with him still recovering. And we're often asked, How are your children? How is your family? How are you now? So I think the documentary answered that question, and more importantly, to where we started at the top, brought some closure for Bob. It was more important than I realized. But now I think it's about reminding the country that all of these families have served, that the ripple effect of that flows through everything. That we think that we're taking care of these families, even those that are not injured who come home. But so much of our granting in the two years following Covid was just for food insecurity for veteran families. We had veteran families living so close to the bone that without the school lunch programs, their children were going hungry. And so we need to remind everyone that these families go and serve when their country asks them. So quite frankly, your family and my family, our children have the luxury of making that decision. So we owe them something is the way I see it.
Melissa Ceria [00:26:57] Lee, I wish you all the best as you continue to share your optimism, your hope, and support military families as they come home and transition back into their lives. Thank you for taking the time to have this conversation.
Lee Woodruff [00:27:12] Oh thank you for amplifying it. It's really important and I really enjoyed.
Explore More
Visit leewoodruff.com
Follow Lee on Instagram at @leewoodruff
Books authored by Lee:
Lee’s articles on caregiving in AARP